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The Great Pretender
I think a lot of people have been through times when you just conjure up a person in your head who would know all your troubles, all your dark secrets and yet still accept you as who you are. Or maybe when you’re sitting alone in the train or bus and the seat next to you is empty, you wished that imaginary person to be real and sit beside you. Or even at times when you’re walking back home alone, while you look forward, observing the people around you or while looking up into the sky, and then you wished that same imaginary person would be walking beside you when you turn to your side.
Then when you think about the people around you at that moment and realize that none of them could ever be even close to that person you pictured. You know that the people around you are the type who the moment they know the truth about you, they’ll shun you and that they will refuse to accept you. You know that your secrets will make them uncomfortable and then they will always have this discriminating gaze upon you even though you try to convince yourself they aren’t those kind of people.
And in such a situation a heavy realization just sinks your heart, no matter how much you laugh with them, joke with them or converse with them, you’re actually alone.
You start to realize that you’re far from being yourself when you’re with them and what makes the whole event even sadder is that you’re actually pretending, holding back a large part of yourself in front of them because you fear the backlash from letting the actual you out. You still try to let a part of yourself out but you have to adapt to what would deem suitable to them. At times you let them have a peek at your true self and seeing their negative reactions you quickly change back to the “appropriate” you.
That imaginary person used to be real, they were your best friends.
But now being so far away from them eventually you feel the need to fill this newfound emptiness. But this search is long and hard plus being shrouded in these circumstances, you start to wonder, will you really be able to fill up this void?
But now being so far away from them eventually you feel the need to fill this newfound emptiness. But this search is long and hard plus being shrouded in these circumstances, you start to wonder, will you really be able to fill up this void?
All your emotions, all your ideas, all your thoughts, you want to vent them out to that made up person whenever the moment appears but realizing that it’s no use, you keep it in your heart even though it will only make the loneliness greater. Sure you’ve chat with your best friends or called them but that freedom to just go to them anytime you want is not there anymore, to have them to be there at the spur of the moment is just not possible anymore. You feel restricted and that is why you want that imaginary person to be real, to be close to you, to be physically available all the time.
Despite all that, the most you can do is continue pretending and tell yourself that you will eventually find this person if you brave through these circumstances. Even if you can’t you will be back to where you can be yourself again anyway and you’re pretty sure that there’s a whole bunch of people out there who are in a worst condition than you are.
Sometimes it’s okay to dwell in your own negative feelings once in awhile.
Now replace you, you’re and your with I, me and my.
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