I've been MIA for a very long time but now I'm here I don't even know what to type about. Guess I'll do a come back post with a personal one.

I noticed a spike in the number of visitors, all looking for Yuna's chords (feedjit is amazing) and some came by searching for Koko Kaina. I hope the chords I transcribed helped them and made them happy, it's always nice to see a smile on someone's face (though I can't really see them). I hope that soon enough, I would hear people playing and humming to Yuna's and Miss Zee Avi's songs instead of my country's radio crap.

I wonder when is Miss Zee Avi is performing again and when her album is exactly coming out, God, I think I'm becoming like a teenage girl who's addicted to her favorite boy-band. I can't even explain why I'm like this.

Anyway, I'm officially 20 now, two decades or one-fifth of a century living as Nico, I should be grateful, not many had the chance to even reach this age.

I thank my family, friends and roommates for celebrating my birthday, it was a joy to have them around by my side during my birthday even though some were living very far away.

Somehow, I'm shrouded with fear, the fear of not getting any university in the US. I've been through disappointments that discouraged me from putting my hopes high in anything. I dreamt of getting into a normal high school, miss the bus sometimes, walking back home from school with my friends, planning and organizing events, going out with my friends during weekends, and spending my free time not studying. Instead, I went to boarding school and lived a repetitive and mundane life. My first two years was the most stressful and most agonizing times of my life and the remaining three was the same though lesser in impact but enough to the point that I refuse to acknowledge of any memories being there. Life there, though there were a few joy and excitements, but it was shadowed by frustrations and disappoinments I went through and not to mention the physical pain and torture I've received. Sometimes, when I painfully look back, I felt my teenage life was robbed away but I have to keep reminding myself that that's life.

I was given the chance to live that high school dream when I thought it was impossible: I was to go for a student exchange in Russia. I can't describe how elated I was when I received the news, it truly was a dream come true. Though it was only for one year, it was enough for me but even that... even that I didn't get. I was to have only three months, no, less than that, not enough to do much or even speak to my Russian friends properly about simple things.

To some, my life might not be as depressing as theirs, but in a way everyone has their own definition of the word disappointment and for me, it's enough for me to cast doubt over my own future. Maybe I won't get a university and if that happens, I don't know what to do, everyone thinks that I'm definitely going and they keep asking me when I'll be going there. At times, I ask myself, am I really going? How would I face everyone if I don't get a university? My parents have high hopes for me and that alone burdens me much.

There are times when I wished I wasn't given this gift of "above-average" brain and there are times I am grateful for it.

Even so, this is but a personal thought, I do not wish, nay, I want no advices or anyone's thought on this. Only a personal rambling, a cloud in my heart that I wish to let go since I do not have a pet to talk to or a diary to write in or anything that is not human that I could confide in with. It's funny that though I have the desire to express all this to something without feelings but yet I resort to a blog. Maybe it's a deep desire to reach out to someone but then, I only wish to let this go without any response from the one listening. Perhaps next time I should just go somewhere dark and quiet with my guitar and sing my heart out.

I wanted to make this private but I can't, it's not like livejournal. So I hope no one replies to this or talk to me about this. Like I said, it's just a rambling, I didn't even give a thought about it, neither should you.

So, another year awaits me and I'll be waiting for surprises, disappointments, happy moments and whatnot as I watch another year pass by me slowly.