Apologies
Boy have I been on an emotional roller-coaster, heh. I wish I could tell the whole story here but I guess that would be exposing myself too much. I’ve exposed myself enough on twitter.
I’ve been a stupid and selfish person these past what, one and a half months? Why selfish? Because I’ve punished someone else by punishing myself. I really need to apologize to a lot of people for not being myself. I could’ve make life a lot more colorful for others but instead I chose to be stoic and quiet. I’m still picking myself up, it hurts while I’m doing it but life goes on. I’m really at fault for allowing my emotions to get the better of me.
I’ve been wallowing in self-pity a lot. My recovery from this that beleaguers my heart came in stages, I’d tell you about that some other time.
I guess everyone has their own problems, family problems, work problems, love problems and a bunch of other stuff. I felt like Atlas, trying to carry the weight of the world as I tried to overcome mine, I guess the feeling is shared by everyone as they try to solve theirs. The heaviest and most draining problem I had was myself.
I guess I know very slightly the feeling of a drug addict trying to kick his or her habit. It’s really hard overcoming yourself, convincing that you’ll be okay, wanting to be stronger and all that. The negativity, the voices that whispers in your heart, sometimes just a simple thought, they can take you down easily. I’ve really tried shutting them out, it was like trying to forcibly close an overloaded closet or luggage. In the end, I couldn’t shut them all out, I had to accept that some wouldn’t stay out so I had to take them with me. It was hard, painful and all, but I guess these kind of things make you human.
Never thought I would be so broken like this. I never even thought I would decide to go home so early. Who would’ve thought I would lose the cheery me, that guy who’s always laughing and making fun of people can be this sad. I guess that’s why I wanted to go back home, to find that old me back and put myself together.
I’ve never thought such hollow words would come from me, that I would give someone all those half-hearted laughter and empty smiles. Man, I’m really selfish that way, they deserved an honest smile.
Everyday I tell myself to be stronger, to be more cheerful and that no one else should be affected by this mess that I brought upon myself. But a simple thought, man, I didn’t know a simple thought would be strong enough to strip all that pep talk away. That’s life I suppose.
I’ve said this but yeah, I’m still trying to recover. Didn’t know it was this hard. A lot of the mornings before this, I was convinced I’m all good and I got over it but nah, life just likes to throw more stuff at you. Heh. I don’t know how long it will take but it won’t be soon.
0 Response to "Apologies"
Post a Comment